I’m so excited
And I just can’t hide it.
I’m about to lose control
And I think I’ll need a cloth.

Presents have been selected (if not actually purchased at this precise moment), a tree has been located (if not actually erected – Ha ha! Erect!), and a thoroughly secular Christmas is about to be had by all concerned. or at least, all who I’m going to concern myself with for now.

Does that seem selfish? Despite what certain depressing songs say (I’m looking at you, Geldoff), Christmas is a time to chill out, pig out and slob about, not trouble yourself with the hardships of the rest of the world. The modern Christmas is a totally selfish, self-indulgent and self-centered affair, and I for one am a big fan.

And if anybody mentions Jesus I shall patiently explain that I am, in fact, celebrating a delayed Saturnalia to better fit with the rest of the world. Actually, some Jehovah’s witnesses came by this morning while I was in bed, Helen saw them on their way. The only time they’ve called since I’ve lived here and I’m in bed! Apparently it was a very timid knock, perhaps my reputation precedes me?

I guess I do have a sign in my window stating that I am not down with organised religion. I’m a much bigger fan of disorganised religion; perhaps if such exchanges went more like this:

*knocking, door opening, etc*
Witness 1: “Hello, would you like to read a copy of… shit, where’s the magazine?”
Witness 2: “You were supposed to bring the magazine, I don’t have it.”
Witness 1: “Well I don’t bloody have it, oh well, let’s carry on – So, about Jesus.”
Me: “Wait, why aren’t you wearing any trousers?”