Monthly Archive for December, 2006

I said I would, and I did

Published on 29/12/2006 in everything. 0 Comments

Today I went somewhere so horrible that I proclaimed my intent to go home and blog about it. I have, so now I will.

Crewe is a festering shithole of a town. For the duration of my stay my eye flitted from grey skyline to massive hoop earrings, from peeling paint to fat, tracksuited children, from faded shop-fronts to elderly gentlemen clad in designer sportswear. It is as if I left the train at completely the wrong station, disembarking in Eastern Europe by some terrible mistake.

Everyone seemed so miserable, I can only conclude they wanted to be there no more than I. Indeed, they were further depressed; they had come to accept their lot, no longer even dreaming of escape. If the eyes are the window to the soul then the people of Crewe have long had theirs boarded-over. I cannot say it any clearer, they were all dead inside.

Also, only in Crewe would an establishment display a sandwich as “prawn and tuna”, only to serve it to me and await my discovery that by “prawn”, they meant “melted cheese”.

Anyway, Christmas! As is generally the case, Christmas was pretty awesome.

Helen and I spent it in Belper with my family and a thoroughly over-indulgent time was had by all. According to custom I got some really cool presents, few of which are healthy for me to eat and none of which anyone reading this actually cares about, so I shall spare you the “lol xmas swag poast”. Suffice to say that my media centre mac is off-duty for the foreseeable, as it transcodes all the video that’s fit (read: cartoons) into something suitable for a shiny new video iPod.

mistletoe, wine, etc

Published on 23/12/2006 in everything. 1 Comment

I’m so excited
And I just can’t hide it.
I’m about to lose control
And I think I’ll need a cloth.

Presents have been selected (if not actually purchased at this precise moment), a tree has been located (if not actually erected – Ha ha! Erect!), and a thoroughly secular Christmas is about to be had by all concerned. or at least, all who I’m going to concern myself with for now.

Does that seem selfish? Despite what certain depressing songs say (I’m looking at you, Geldoff), Christmas is a time to chill out, pig out and slob about, not trouble yourself with the hardships of the rest of the world. The modern Christmas is a totally selfish, self-indulgent and self-centered affair, and I for one am a big fan.

And if anybody mentions Jesus I shall patiently explain that I am, in fact, celebrating a delayed Saturnalia to better fit with the rest of the world. Actually, some Jehovah’s witnesses came by this morning while I was in bed, Helen saw them on their way. The only time they’ve called since I’ve lived here and I’m in bed! Apparently it was a very timid knock, perhaps my reputation precedes me?

I guess I do have a sign in my window stating that I am not down with organised religion. I’m a much bigger fan of disorganised religion; perhaps if such exchanges went more like this:

*knocking, door opening, etc*
Witness 1: “Hello, would you like to read a copy of… shit, where’s the magazine?”
Witness 2: “You were supposed to bring the magazine, I don’t have it.”
Witness 1: “Well I don’t bloody have it, oh well, let’s carry on – So, about Jesus.”
Me: “Wait, why aren’t you wearing any trousers?”

I maek party

Published on 11/12/2006 in everything. 5 Comments

I really feel pretty good about stuff whenever I’ve just tidied the house; I think it appeals to the obsessive-compulsive in me. Of course, lying around while the filth builds up to my elbows appeals to the idle bastard in me, so this inner calm or whatever I’m feeling now is pretty rare.

I’ve overcome my inner sloth today because some dude is coming to see if he wants to buy my house and I think it’s quite important he isn’t greeted with semen stains and week-old washing up. Yes, I’m selling my house, yes there were stains.


I just googled for “party” – I do not know what the fuck is going on in this picture

Anyway, on to the main attraction:

This is a formal invitation for everyone within earshot to a New Year’s Eve party I am throwing at my house. I think it is going to be a pretty cool party, so you should totally come. There will be pizzas and booze and other things that you might expect to find at a party.

The only caveat here is that you need to know where my house is, so if you’re all “man, I’d like to go, but I have no idea where bob lives”, then you should mail me or something. If you are pretty OK then I will tell you where to come. I don’t mean to be mean or anything, I just do not want people turning up at my party who are all “buy generic viagra here”. Spamming a party is lame.

comedy books

Published on 07/12/2006 in everything. 1 Comment

I don’t often rant about comics (…on here anyway), but sweet Jesus have I read some good shit lately.

I’ve really been getting into Marvel’s “Ultimate” imprint lately, which is basically a modern reboot and re-imagining of the classic “Earth-616″ Marvel continuity – which I have always found a bit too… gay for my tastes. Notable exceptions being Runaways, Deadpool (which can actually get pretty gay, at times), Nextwave and those 6 issues of Iron Man that Warren Ellis wrote that one time.

Seriously though, you ever try picking up an X-men book? Yippie yay continuity spaghetti away! Dare I say it, they could probably do with a Crisis or two over on 616.

Awesome as it is, the Ultimate-U pales as might a sun-bleached bone in comparison to the other title I’ve been reading.

You’ve seen Dark Angel, right? For the blissfully ignorant, Jessica Alba portrays a photogenic genetically-engineered super-soldier who escaped from the evil facility that made her and is trying to make her way on a bleak future-earth.

OK, so now imagine that, but replace miss Alba and her equally humanoid brethren with 8-foot tall anthropomorphic Elephants (and other inhabitants of the Serengeti). Also, they were freed from their evil organisation by the UN who then attempted to integrate the “Elephantmen” into society.

It is pretty fucked up.

that’s right, in my pants

Published on 02/12/2006 in everything. 0 Comments

This week I did some things while not wearing pants. And for our international readers, I mean underwear, not trousers. I was fully trousered.

So, on Wednesday Leanne came round to collect her trainers that she left when she moved out. Imagine my surprise to find her step-dad was hiding around the corner when I opened the door. He barged into my house and started threatening me about an inch from my face… while I wasn’t wearing pants.

Terrifying!

Helen was in the next room and phoned the police when she realised, so later – about an hour, in fact: good job he left after he heard her making the call – I got to give a statement to the police… while not wearing any pants.

By way of a warm-up, earlier that evening I had taken delivery of some groceries from Tesco while not wearing any pants too.

I was then unable to sleep until the wee hours, while not wearing any pants.

The next day I wore pants, and everything went a lot smoother. There is a lesson to be learned here.