Monthly Archive for October, 2006

I have seen the future.

Published on 27/10/2006 in everything. 4 Comments

I can’t tell you anything, because they made me sign an NDA. But trust me, it’s pretty rad.

The One True Chocolate BarI can, however, talk to you about the immediate past, in which I have made countless millions off eBay, continued to risk life, limb and minor burning with my laptop’s battery, found the One True Chocolate Bar (see right) and written a couple of plays for your delectation beneath.

Also within this time-frame was made a firm and intractable decision by the cat to sleep as often as possible in my wardrobe. When I try to shoo it out it bites me.

I swear, if it shits in there I am going to turn it into a very small stew. I’m not going to eat it, because I have no idea where the bugger’s been (besides my wardrobe). The simple act of making it into stew will be sufficient.

Speaking of which, this week I was fortunate enough to eat meat whose name I knew. My sister recently had her two pet (I use the term loosely) pigs slaughtered, and while I do not know if I was partaking of Glen or Nick they were some very tasty chops indeed. I am unsure as to whether this is due to my familiarity with the animals, or just their high standard of living. Though I do recall Lenny the Lobster tasted pretty good, all those years ago.

A play for two players and one impartial judge

Published on 27/10/2006 in CW and everything. 0 Comments

Bus-driver: I’m dying for your sins on the dance-floor, can’t you see?

Commuter: I asked if this was the bus to Charing Cross.

Driver: Well certainly sir…

he is interrupted by the impatient commuter

Commuter (impatiently) : Then I’ll have a day return

he is interrupted in turn by the bus-driver, who has pertinent information to impart

Driver: …all buses go to Charing Cross, eventually.

Commuter (confused) : What does that mean?

Driver: That’s advanced bus-route theory, that is. See, anywhere you can get a bus from can be accessed from anywhere you can catch a bus, so long as you use a bus, or series of buses to do it.

Commuter (bemused) : So, what you’re saying is – I can get to bus-stops using buses?

Driver: Not only that, but from any bus; all it takes is time.

Commuter (abused) : So, which bus to Charing Cross takes the least amount of time?

Driver: I’m not properly attired to answer that question, sir.

the bus-driver unzips his gorilla costume to reveal an undertaker’s garb

Undertaker: It is my sad duty to inform you that you’re going to die before you reach Charing Cross.

Commuter (amused) : And why, pray tell, is that?

Undertaker: Because this is an emergency. But that’s OK, because I want to trap you in this elevator.

Commuter (re-used) : You already segued into an Electric Six lyric. This is getting repetetive.

Undertaker: That’s as may be, but you’re running out of adjectives ending in used. You’re also running out of time!

the undertaker hits the emergency stop button of the elevator they are both riding, trapping the commuter between the fifth and sixth floor

Commuter: I am trapped!

Undertaker: And now you will answer my question!

Commuter: What? Quickly man, I’m claustrophobic!

Undertaker: What’s the quickest way to Charin Cross? I have a funeral to undertake.

Commuter (infused) : Why I oughtta!

the commuter rolls up his sleeves, the undertaker rolls up his trousers, they both roll up a newspaper and begin to circle each other – the curtain falls to the sound of axes chopping young pine

A play for two actors and a company of trees

Published on 27/10/2006 in CW and everything. 0 Comments

A blue foil balloon floats across the stage. Its once and maybe future owner enters from the left, following its once and maybe future possession. The child stops center-stage, surrounded by trees that have crept out from a nearby war memorial.

Child (crying) : Why did mummy have to die?

Trees (as a chorus) : Your mother’s gone
Her stars don’t glimmer
The Cause is simple:
God hates a sinner.

Child (stops crying) : My good ness! Talking trees!

Trees: Slow-witted child
Shaming thou and thine
We don’t just talk
The forest rhymes.

a lumberjack enters from the rear, harking as he goes

Lumberjack: Hark at that, rhyming timber! Just what I need for this new writing desk, that my wife’s poetry might draw on the skill of enchanted wood!

Child: A lumberjack! Sir, save me from these judeo-christian plants!

Lumberjack: Stand aside, tiny citizen!

Trees: He’s a lumberjack and he’s all right.
He works all day and sleeps all night.
This copse won’t go without a fight;
We trees have bark, and also: bite!

the rhyming trees bite the lumberjack to death and kick his prone and lifeless form

Child (crying) : Why did the lumberjack have to die?

Trees: The fool lies slain
And that is that
For why he died?
He’s just a pratt

Child: You trees have rhyme
But want for reason
This is no spring
It’s killing season!

Trees: This kid can rhyme
It’s plain to see
He has skill, sure
But ne’er such as we!

Child: A rhyming battle
Is this the game?
You’ll neither win ‘gainst me
Nor rhyme again!

Trees: Bold words indeed
From one so young
We’ll play along
And have our fun

Child (emboldened) : Arrogant shrubs
Your verse is dire
You’ll surely burn
Atop my fire

Trees (embittered) : This child is rash
His speech is brave
Foretelling us
A fiery grave

Child (empowered) : Stand down fell flowers
Attack thus for hours
‘Tis no stronger than showers
You don’t have the powers!

Trees (embolism) : He ups the pace
Such a devilish face
Flee this place
…something …disgrace. We’re melting!

Child (crying) : Why did the trees have to die?

The balloon reappears from stage left and floats again across the scene. The child gives chase, weeping.

Cost vs Benefits

Published on 17/10/2006 in everything. 0 Comments

it tempts me so…

I have a Nintendo DS, it’s pretty rad.

Right now I have three games for it. One of them is Pokemon dash, and one of them is in America. So I only really have one game.

I’d like more games, but I’m pretty poor.

Pirating roms and loading them via a flash cart is pretty easy, and a natural solution, only the cart itself costs £70 – about the cost of three new games, maybe 4 if I get lucky via eBay (which is so not as cheap for DS games as it was for the GBA).

And right now, I can only think of a few games I’d want. (Metroid, Mario Hoops and Starfox). But, I hear Trauma Centre is worth a try, and Phoenix Wright? See, if I had a ~10-game capacity flash cart I could investigate these little fun-looking titles too. Not to mention homebrew stuff like SNES emulation.

Basically I started looking for a way to save money, and wound up finding another expensive geek-toy. Good job!

And now to go do what I really should have been doing this evening: facilitating versatile solutions for modern living!

Throw Away Your Television

Published on 09/10/2006 in everything. 1 Comment

Or at least its tuner. Think the TV license guy will accept this?

Last week I discovered House MD. I submit that there is no greater spectacle than the quintessentially British Hugh Laurie playing a cranky un-shaven American cripple (Englishmen called Hugh continue to soften up American women for the rest of us!). Apparently he shocked and stunned US audiences when he accepted some kind of award with his regular accent.

So much is its appeal that I only have seven episodes left before I run the fuck out – reducing me to a whole week between fixes like the rest of the great unwashed. Thankfully, I have plenty more to keep me occupied~

Indeed, this week, I am mostly watching: Heroes, Battlestar Galactica, Veronica Mars, Scrubs and Teachers. I’m also reading enough monthly, quarterly and in one case weekly ( I <3 52) comics that I shan’t go hungry, even if certain titles tend to lag a bit (Desolation Jones, I’m looking at you).

Also: I’m playing laptop Russian roulette. Turns out my Powerbook caught some of those dodgy Sony batteries that are going around. Apple’s posting me a new one but four to six weeks is a long time in politics, never mind when you’re spinning the chamber every time you check your email.